Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

The world of queer relationships and queer anniversaries is complicated by the states decades of oppression of our rights to simply create a family with the person we love. For those who came of age after 2015, it may not make much sense. The queer anniversary is a complicated dynamic.

We have a lot of anniversaries, especially pre-2015 when we were denied a marriage anniversary. Our first date, first kiss, first sexual encounter, first ‘I love you’, first day of moving in together … you get the picture. Most people don’t celebrate all of these date, Th might have settled on one or two in lieu of an engagement date and wedding date.

I have all of these dates and more in my phone. When I get the reminder, I savor the memory and the joy it brings to me.

Today, July 18, is our anniversary. Our first real date involved South Park, WYEP, and Pizzeria Uno. That was in 2003 when we met and began to date. Two days ago, July 16, marked the 18th anniversary of moving in together to our home.

When we contemplated a marriage date, my constant litany of “firsts” prompted the suggestion of Groundhog’s Day. It would be easy to remember. Good enough for me. So add February 2 to the list. Marriage didn’t erase the previous 18 years of togetherness, it simply enhances it. You cannot level up if you aren’t standing on something first, right?

Marriage equality and the equally important divorce equality in Pennsylvania are complicated..

• Pennsylvania does not have statewide nondiscrimination protections
• Pennsylvania does have a Defense of Marriage Act on the books, albeit dormant
• Domestic partnerships are recognized through many municipalities.
• Pennsylvania eliminated common law marriage in 2005
• Pennsylvania General Assembly has never passed statewide LGBTQ affirming legislation of any type – not hate crimes, not second parent adoption, not marriage, not nothing.

I’m a little sad today, but I got a lot to do so I’ll be distracted. I don’t want to forget any of the past 21 years. I’m a different person now – I mean 21 is a whole new adult lifespan, right? There are so many parts of my life I wish I could forget, mostly from my childhood, that I refuse to do so now, even the hard parts.

Being married/partnered for 21 years is something I never thought possible. As those years rolled by, I never thought it would be possible to derail. I did know that Pennsylvania’s convoluted devaluation of LGBTQ residents would make all of it complicated and frustrating, at least for my generation who span the pre/post marriage equality worlds.

The 21st anniversary gift is brass/nickel or Iolite gemstone. I considered buying a token gift to add to my altar for myself, but I ran out of time. Instead, I’ll be taking a cat to the vet for a non-emergency reason and going out to dinner with a friend. That’s not such a bad day.

Maybe the importance of an anniversary isn’t the other person/people, but the connection the individual has to those events and memories. Perhaps what matters is that this is my anniversary, not just our anniversary. I choose to be strong and to take the 21 years of memories along wherever I go from here.