Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

Today, I ask you to donate $5 to another crowdfund, one of your choice. 

It was  one year ago that this GoFundMe crowdfund launched. It was a Saturday morning. My sleep was fitful. Waves of desperation washed over me because I could not afford a lawyer and I had no  money to even buy shoes or personal items. It had taken me hours working with the Resolve Crisis Team the night before to secure my medication from my home, an endeavor that ultimately failed. 

I do a lot of asking via crowdfund for other people – tote bags, food, pets, yard signs, etc. So I began calling everyone I knew who had resources and might know a lawyer. I was texting. DMing, you name it. I swallowed my pride and my sense of imposter syndrome. I had to advocate for myself this time. 

My friend set up this GoFundMe early afternoon on that Saturday. Petrified that it wouldn’t work and I would lose everything, I left the house. Off I went to the grocery store with my friend and her son. I had an anxiety attack near the dairy case, remembering the first time I had shared a shopping trip with my spouse. My friend picked up on my angst and sent me to a bench while she finished both of our shopping. I remember trying to pay her and her saying “We can work that out. You need to take care of yourself.” 

Late afternoon, I was watching the ticker and wrote a woeful message to my friends, Diane ad Dok, worried it wouldn’t work. They assured me it was working and urged me to step away from it for a while. 

They were right. I needed a break.So I watched The Simpsons with my younger nephew. And  you all came through for me. When we hit the $5000 mark (the retainer for the lawyer). I still had to find a lawyer, but you also sent referrals. I ultimately went with the person highly recommended by the DV advocates who had guided me through the PFA process. 

Thus, the legal leg of the journey began. 

Then came the season of the sticks during which I decided to retain a federal civil rights lawyer to pursue the violations of my civil rights. Once again, I needed resources and once again you came through for me. I had to advocate for myself, but I also had to advocate for other people with mental health disabilities facing similar circumstances. 

I wish I could stop asking. However, both cases are underway and going to continue to cost money. Anyone in this position only moves forward with support. It is horrifying that the justice system is skewed  toward those with money. It is horrifying there is a thing called poverty law – shouldn’t it just be ‘law’?. It is horrifying how many people want to ‘pay no attention to that man behind the curtain’ and turn away. 

But you did none of these things –  you listened and believed me, you made money available, you treated me with dignity. Your kindness and decency buoyed me when I was thrashing in a sea of despair. 

Especially those who donated $5 to a crowdfund because I know what that actually costs. I am a person who can often donate $5.  I am humbled that you invest your resources in me and my legal cases. I am honored that you trust me with everything that you have to give so I can pursue justice for all of us. 

Folx who slip everything they have into the collection jar(s) of all the hurting people around them change the world. 

It is part of the sharing economy. A crowdfund.

One year after that long dark night, I am back home. I have two active legal cases and a possible third defamation case involving the Protect Trans Kids project. 

I’ll probably weep again, probably freeze up at the grocery store with anxiety, probably keep asking my lovely friends for more help because how do I give up now? Still, I will lose faith again because that is a permanent part of complex trauma. My heart will ache,but I won’t allow anyone or anything to break it. 

If the defamation case moves forward, that’s going to be tough to navigate. I shouldn’t be surprised about such allegations around a project focused on trans youth, but I’m grievously  dismayed. 

The thing is that the people who donate the $5 or whatever they can actually spare, not just an amount they can spare without worrying about it – those on the economic fringes -, they might be next. And who will be there for them? What if they don’t have a blog or a contact list? What if they don’t have the time and energy to create basically a second blog via these updates for court cases that could go on for years? 

Years. A forever crowdfund.

This past Friday, I was out back after dark puttering around our yard sale U Haul storage – it is a fundraiser yard sale – when a bright light shone upon me followed by a quick blue and red undertone. I peaked around the corner saying “hello? Hello?” and the police officer in the cruiser blinded me with his spotlight before asking about my business. I deferentially explained, conscious no one else was home or knew I was in my parking pad.

He quickly responded to my white middle age middle class and good girl presentation, turned off the lights and explained he was just being careful. Friday night in Pittsburgh’s Northside after dark with limited staffing, the police were monitoring my Uhaul? Mmm hmm. 

I felt the anxiety rising as I looked anywhere but at the cruiser. Memories flooded my system – clicking of handcuffs, the lies, the helpless feeling, the inability of the police to enforce my rights – so I began reciting a phone number in my head. I could call Sarah day or night and she had a plan to call my lawyers and/or friends.  No matter what happened in these moments, I would endure and survive. That is not a privilege everyone can fall back on. 

He drove away and  now I’m afraid to go out in my own backyard after dark. Great. 

I’m torn between gratitude/angst about these financial woes and raging anger that money wins again. And still I secretly hope someone will share this GoFundMe with someone with influence who can help me tell these stories on a bigger level. To save myself, tis true. But also because I cannot be the first person this happened to. If I’m going to be the the last, I need an amplifier. Someone with reach needs to say “this is happening, it shouldn’t happen, you deserve help. Spread the word. Share the story.” 

It is about me, but not just about me. 

Still, I know Billy Porter, Rena Sofer, Wiz Khalifa, Zachary Quinto, Charlie Batch, or Christina Aguilera are not coming to save me. Local media is unresponsive. 

You are. Over 250 of you are. 

People around you have crowdfunds for all sorts of things – unexpected medical bills, funerals, veterinary care, car repairs, and so forth. Do yourself  a favor today and donate to one of them – donate $5 to someone, perhaps someone you don’t know. Rage against the injustice of all of these things, but showing up in the sharing economy with what you can spare truly does have an impact. 

I still need to reach $20,000, but I don’t need it all right now. So share your $5 and $10 to strengthen our community. When my need is imminent, I’ll let you know. 

I’m still waiting.