Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

Content Notes: sexual abuse, enablers, stigma

I published an intense post earlier this week.

It was planned with care. I wanted to make specific points about the impact of grooming and programming, not vomit my entire story. It is unclear if I’ll ever do that. Yep, it is that bad.

I worked with my therapist who understands how important this blog is to me as a tool to process trauma.

Now I’m feeling a certain way about it. Not regret, just some discomfort with the vulnerability. Also some relief at just saying it – my paternal grandmonster was a vile violent sexual predator. I’ve danced around that for awhile. But he earned the revelation.

A friend of mine asked me if I had early childhood memories. It is pretty common for them to be blocked as a coping mechanism. I have all of my memories, I just needed to put them in context. I remember everything. I did choose to stuff some things down, the worst memories, but I didn’t let them go. They were there, they are familiar and known to me.

There’s no right way to cope with violence. Well, for the survivors. We see from the Catholic Church exposures that most adults aren’t going to do the right thing. I struggle to truth people of faith, especially Christians. None of those whom I know are actively involved in stopping predators.

I won’t get many responses to my post. Other survivors can’t or won’t talk about it, but they know I’m trying to help. People with unprocessed trauma will have intense reactions (or none at all) and either vomit it all on my me or try to empathize by association (yuck). And most other folx don’t know what to say. It is easier to say nothing than to take ownership of their failures to protect innocent children. To put their own needs ahead of the children. Predators like Jeffrey Epstein could have been stopped if someone had the moral strength to take action.

Every day ordinary people could have stopped my grandmonster. They could have made sure he had no access to the kids in the family. They could have isolated him. They could have offered the rides, the Amother and us instead of buying a beach house.

They could have been the adults we needed in our lives.

Stop being shocked and surprised. It does not accomplish anything.

According to the National Center for Violence and Crime

• 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse
• Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident;
• Children are most vulnerable to CSA between the ages of 7 and 13.
• 3 out of 4 adolescents who have been sexually assaulted were victimized by someone they knew well 

I’m not sure what it will take to wake anyone up – you have victims/survivors in your family, your friend group, your neighborhood. This means you have perpetrators as well in those same circles. Do you know the signs? Have you educated yourself to be an ally to children? Do you believe them? Are you willing to set aside your own skepticism and horror to do what’s right for children?

Sadly, for most people, this is not the case. In my family, there are eight known survivors. I’m sure there are more. There are certainly more adults who failed to help all of us. The survivors tried to help each other with uneven success.

But there’s a beach house in my family …

If you are a victim and/or survivor of Childhood Sexual Assault, there is help. You are not alone, no matter what your abuser told you. The VictimConnect website has information and resources for victims and survivors of crime, their families, and support networks.