Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

Came across an article about spending Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. I’m spending Christmas alone and struggling to find language. That Google search led me to the ‘solo life’ concept.

Solos are people who prefer to live on their own. I’m unclear if this identity includes people who don’t consciously choose to live on their own. That’s important to distinguish and a reason to keep reading.

Thus, this language isn’t a perfect fit for me. I do not live alone, but share my home with my spouse of 20+ years. We do our own things.

With the recent death of my father, I am untethered in this world. Both my parents are dead. My brother and I barely exchange holiday text messages. My extended family is uninterested in me.

And I am separated, so I lost my in-laws in one fell swoop, including my niece and nephew – 💔

I have a support system – good friends who show up for me and actively share their lives with me. Supportive neighbors, colleagues, etc. What I do not have is a family. I do not like the language of ‘chosen family’ for myself – my family was awful, why recreate it? – but I respect that others do embrace that concept. I’m fine having friendships of varying degrees of intimacy. I don’t need a BFF or besties. I like having friends. It is a good word to describe an important relationship.

Back to the holidays ….

Last year, while I was homeless and getting my footing, I simply followed the leads of my friends around the holidays. I had the fun of buying gifts for two kids. Someone else decorated. Someone else did everything and actively included me. I was numb so that was very helpful.

My heart was rebroken each day, but I got through it, even finding some moments of joy.

This year, things are different. I’ve been living in my home (of 18+ years) for ten months. I’m reunited with my cats. I bought a tree and a wreath. However, I’m without a car and struggling with PTSD symptoms that leave me unable to ride a bus or use a rideshare.

I am almost completely dependent on other people for most activities and tasks. That’s humbling, painful, and occasionally agonizing.

I’m also a ‘+1’ person. Invited to many things, but rarely consulted in the planning. Welcomed, but not necessarily wanted? The person to whom you give the hospitality (re)gift and for whom you drag a mismatched chair to the table. Appreciated, welcomed, wanted, but still just outside the permeable membrane between guest and participant.

I often receive messages that read, “My schedule changed on Tuesday. Want to have lunch/coffee/grocery store trip?”  And not so much simple requests to jointly plan a lunch, etc. People are busy. I am grateful they want to help me and still interested in spending time with me.

Still, there’s a difference. You might not notice until you are on this side of things. You might focus on your intentions toward me and lose sight of the impact of your words/actions.

I am so grateful for the good intentions, but I have to cope with the impact, too.

Solo life means many things, but they do not include being an afterthought, a tag-a-long, a lonesome neighbor, or a square peg in a family circle. I cringe when I realize I need a ride, wondering who is most likely to be available and least likely to have to cram me in.

It just gets easier to not bring things up. And then I start to limit conversations because I’m managing all of this stuff to say and not say in my head.

I did not expect to be in my mid-50’s, poor, disabled, without a car, trying to support cats and a blog, and just always at the back of the priority line.

I have to embrace that relegation in everyday life to get my needs met.

But I’m not doing it for holidays. At least not this year. I’m not arranging rides or asking about menus, meal plans, etc.

I can control this thing. I’m not being reactive, simply deliberate. Obviously, I’ll be sad with a truly solo Christmas. But I’ll get through it. I’ve certainly gotten through worse, many times.

Cutting out a source of anxiety has been helpful. And then it can simply be winter where I can make plans without all of that fraught emotion. Being solo is actually a change of pace from being dependent, sort of like a holiday should be, right? All I have to do is take care of the cats and the rest of the hours are mine.

Solo life is often compared to The Golden Girls – roommates who pool resources to have a nice quality of life. Or a decent quality of life. And those relationships are sustaining, durable. As a child of the 80’s, I am fond of The Golden Girls. I can see myself living in that arrangement someday. Maybe. Not in Florida. Or now.

I do like the ‘solo’ language. I’m not single. I’m not connected to a family, but I’m not an adult orphan (really?) I was saying +1 for awhile, but I don’t want to move through life like an unnamed guest. But I am curious what my solo life will look like.

I stumbled through last Christmas. If I can walk through this one and get it under my belt, I can begin to give it less power over me. At least I can try to do this one thing on my own without relying on anyone.

When my resolve starts to waiver, I just think about how very much I wanted to just be home at this last year. So I can simply enjoy that. No trimmings required.