Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

I met Elisa Rae Shupe, known then as Jamie, here in Pittsburgh. She had moved here with her wife for trans affirming health care. We met through the local LGBTQ Community Center when I was seeking donations from veterans groups to support trans and queer youth.

Note: while Elisa is well known for winning a court victory about nonbinary markers on federal documents and used they/them pronouns, she eventually chose to use she/her via a blog post she wrote in 2021.

Elisa ran a Reddit subforum on trans issues, I ran this blog. We had a lot in common. We talked. we shared content. We both attended LGBTQ events. I invited her and her wife to their first drag bingo – Elisa did not like the crowd, but stayed to be polite.

She was so intense and fierce and absolutist in her thinking. We did not agree on everything, but there was respect and friendship between us.

They moved to the West Coast and then Seattle I think and then Florida – I had the impression Elisa was chasing after something as many of us are. She had the means to actually do it.

She made history by forcing the government to acknowledge nonbinary identity. She challenged traditional narratives – on all sides – about military service. And she struggled with her own identity and her health.

The last time I heard from her was 2018.

I was sitting looking at my tiger’s eye rock that I bought at a flea market in Pittsburgh and it made me think of you. I have no doubt you’re still busy fixing this broken world.

That’s what she said to me. I didn’t know what to say to her about her detransition the following year. I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing, of saying what *I* thought that I just said nothing. My heart broke watching her be exploited, remembering the bright determined spirit I had known. Elisa eventually revealed she had continued her medical transition, renounced the exploitative comments, and emerged as Elisa.

I am aware that Elisa did a lot of harm during these years. She was making amends. Was it enough? How can I say?

And today I read this:

A veteran apparently took their own life Jan. 27 at the parking garage at the VA Medical Center in Syracuse, New York, draped in a banner associated with transgender rights.

A witness said the veteran died by suicide wearing a body-length pink, light blue and white flag — a symbol of transgender pride. According to Syracuse.com, which first reported the death, the veteran was a patient who had been discharged from the hospital’s inpatient facility on Jan. 21.

My friend Elisa Rae Shupe died by suicide. Over at ZeroDoesn’tSleep, I found a copy of the note she left to be published at the time of her death. I don’t feel right publishing it because she didn’t ask me to do so. She knew I was still blogging, but she didn’t ask.

So I am memorializing her the best I can with respect to her stated wishes.

I remember Elisa and her wife across a potluck table, her eyes darting around with an anxiety I recognized – a fear of being rejected and abandoned. Then we worked together to raise funds supplying a personal hygiene pantry for LGBTQ youth.

I remember hours at a Trans Pride picnic talking about our lives – connecting over abusive childhoods, misunderstood young adulthood, and trying to do good in the world. My blog expanded her understanding of queer Pittsburgh and her subreddit introduced me to a myriad of trans issues.

We collaborated. Elisa contributed to the AMPLIFY archive (using the name Jamie.)What stands out to me is the photo she chose, taken by here wife (please update attribution) of Elisa holding a trans pride flag in the breeze over her hear, a defiant gesture mixed with her deep desire to be accepted.

One time she and I spoke about feminization. She was upset that she was ‘too old’ to ‘pass’ as an AFAB woman. I told her about the body issues in my life and among my friends, the frustration that there was an ideal type of female body most of us would never come near achieving. We agreed that radical self-love felt out of reach. But she ended saying she would give anything to have had those same struggles as AFAB rather than hidden inside a male body.

I didn’t know what to say.

Elisa asked me to republish a few of her essays, but the original publication was anti-everything and wanted me to pay them to publish. So I didn’t.

Elisa led a hard life, both by circumstance and by the impact of taking on a world that had no idea how to deal with her. I do not believe Elisa was broken by her identity – she was broken by failed systems including her family of origin and the military as well as the anti-transgender movement. She was beaten down by beauty standards, by her own conflicting desire to be accepted and to challenge non-acceptance.

I will always regret that I did not try harder to stay in touch with her. I failed her, too.

This was her Q&A for the #AMPLIFY series.

Rest in power, my friend. You did change my life. I hope you would be proud of me. I admire your determination to advocate for the trans community. Your death is devastating. I will miss you forever.