My modest proposal to prevent “bathroom panic”

A number of states—mostly of the far-right-wing variety—have now introduced legislation that would forbid transgender people from using a public restroom if it doesn’t correspond to the gender on their birth certificate.

(Pennsylvania hasn’t tried this yet, but I’d be surprised if some legislator doesn’t have a draft bill sitting on his or her desk. Daryl Metcalfe, I’m looking at you.)

So, you could have a burly, transgender man with a beard and tattoos forced to use the ladies’ room because his birth certificate still says “female.”

Florida has added a new wrinkle—their proposed legislation would require transgender people to carry an official document certifying their gender before they can use a restroom. As the Miami New Times puts it, “In essence, it means transgender people would need to have their papers on them to pee.”

Advocates of these laws claim they’re just trying to prevent people from being “panicked” by a transgender person in their restroom, or, in severe cases, raped or otherwise assaulted by a transgender person in their restroom—although there isn’t a single, documented case of anyone dressing as the “wrong” gender in order to attack someone in a restroom. (Has a lack of a disguise ever prevented any violent predator from attacking someone?)

I’ve noticed a lot of these states passing “potty-papers-please” laws are also states where it’s legal to openly carry a firearm. In fact, in some states (like Ohio), property owners are required to post a sign if people aren’t allowed to bring their personal firearms into their store or business—the assumption in Ohio is that firearms are allowed into anyone’s public accommodation.

A lot of these states also have so-called “stand your ground” laws, where if someone feels threatened, they are allowed to shoot first, and ask questions later.

This all gives me an idea … you can even call it a modest proposal.

All transgender people need to do is start openly carrying firearms with them whenever they use a restroom. Then, if someone questions their presence in a restroom, and they feel threatened, they can pull out their gun, and shoot.

I think it’s perfect logical, given the direction the United States seems to be heading: All of us armed, inspecting each other’s genitals before we go potty.

The rest of the civilized world laughs at America these days.

I would laugh, too, but right now I need to strap on my six-shooter and go to the bathroom.